What doesn’t kill you….

I never gave much heed to this quote. maybe because I never actually grasped the full meaning of it. but some lessons are learned the hard way.

I feel no shame in admitting that I used to be a very weak and vulnerable person. I made very bad decisions in my life. The kind of bad that ruin your life forever. And I used to break down at EVERY LITTLE THING. You just had to look at me harsh and I would become a human hose. In short, a weak stupid idiot I was.

Then, last year I went through a very difficult pregnancy. And I had to deliver my third baby at just 33weeks. My son was a very beautiful baby. At a normal healthy weight of 6lbs. But he wasn’t stable when born so had to be taken to a children’s hospital. As it was my third c-section, I wasn’t in a fit state to stay with him at the other hospital. So I came home and he stayed. I never got to hold him. Never got to love him and tell him that. I prayed to God to save his life. I prayed all the time. But he had come for just six days. on the morning of the seventh day, he quietly breathed his last. 

When my husband gave me the news through tears, I thought I would die. I thought that I would NEVER come out of it. I would never be sane. How could he just leave mommy like that!!!! 
But I lived. I didn’t die. I didn’t lose my mind. And that’s when I understood the meaning of this quote. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I had endured the pain of this catastrophe. I could live. I had to live.for my other two kids. I had to be strong. And I came out of this pain, a better stronger person.

Now, I am capable of making intelligent and sensible decisions. I am not influenced by shit that people throw my way. I smile at people when they criticize my ways. I laugh along with the people who laugh at me. Because of what didn’t kill me….